Emotion Regulation Is a Relationship, Not Elimination
Brackett argues regulation is not getting rid of feelings. It is changing your relationship to them so emotions can be present without hijacking behavior.
How to Better Regulate Your Emotions | Dr. Marc Brackett
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Dr. Marc Brackett, PhD, is founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and a professor in the Child Study Center at Yale University. We discuss the science of emotion regulation and practical tools to increase your emotional intelligence. Dr. Brackett …
Dr. Marc Brackett, PhD, is founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and a professor in the Child Study Center at Yale University. We discuss the science of emotion regulation and practical tools to increase your emotional intelligence. Dr. Brackett clarifies exactly how to do that both in the context of relationships, but also things that you can do on your own to become more emotionally intelligent to later serve you in the context of relationships, work, school, etc. We also discuss how your childhood experiences influence your relationship with emotions, with particular emphasis on how boys and men are socialized around emotional processing and expression. Read the show notes at hubermanlab.com. Thank you to our sponsors AG1: https://drinkag1.com/huberman Joovv: https://joovv.com/huberman Lingo: https://hellolingo.com/huberman LMNT: https://drinklmnt.com/huberman Rorra: https://rorra.com/huberman
Key Topics
- Emotion Regulation Is a Relationship, Not Elimination
- Emotions Usually Stay in the Background
- A Goal-Oriented Model for Regulation
- PRIME Goals of Regulation
- Mindset: No “Bad” Emotions
- Reframing Anxiety as Values and Importance
- Expression vs Presence: Emotions Do Not Need to “Go” Anywhere
- Context-Dependent Vulnerability for Men
- Socialization of Gendered Emotion Norms
- Boys’ Emotion Skills Can Improve With Systemic School Culture
- Rigorous Practice, Not “Kumbaya” Circles
- Rough-and-Tumble vs Power-Over Dynamics
- Early Signs of Suppression in Children
- Calibration and Reliability in Relationships and Work
- Vulnerability Plus Strategy as Healthy Leadership
- Co-Regulation as a Key Leadership Skill
- The “Meta Moment” Tool
- Stress Tolerance Through Meditation and Stillness
- Emotion Vocabulary as a Practical Skill
- Core Appraisals Behind Similar Feelings
- External vs Internal Processing Differences
- Personal Assumptions and Developmental Programming
- Reappraisal With Caution About Gaslighting
- Positive Emotions Also Need Regulation
- Channel Emotions, Do Not Dam Them
- Modern Stressors for Youth Feel Different
- Concerns About AI as Therapist or Companion
- Disconnection as a Growing Developmental Risk
- Feeling Overwhelmed Is Not a Free Pass to Stop Living
- Effectiveness as the Key Test of Emotional Expression
- Systemic Implementation and Shared Language in Schools
- There Is No Single Best Strategy
- Exercise as an Emotion-Regulation Strategy With Risks
- Identity: Becoming Someone Who Is Well-Regulated
- Phases of Skill Building Over a Lifetime
- Curiosity and Story as Antidotes to Polarization
- Emotional Intelligence Skills Framework (RULER)
- Closing Down to Love as a Vulnerability Pattern
Emotions Usually Stay in the Background
They reject constant self-monitoring as unproductive. Emotions become important when a shift in environment or relationships triggers activation and a choice point.
A Goal-Oriented Model for Regulation
Emotion regulation is framed as goals plus strategies, shaped by the emotion, the person, and the context. The same tactic will not work equally well across different feelings or situations.
PRIME Goals of Regulation
Brackett describes goals as preventing unwanted emotions, reducing difficult ones, initiating helpful emotions, maintaining good states, and enhancing emotions when beneficial. Choosing the goal clarifies what to do next.
Mindset: No “Bad” Emotions
They emphasize that emotions are information and can be useful. Harm often comes from what people do with emotions or when expressions ignore context.
Reframing Anxiety as Values and Importance
Brackett shares a shift from hating anxiety to seeing it as signaling uncertainty about things that matter. This reframing can reduce dysregulation and support constructive action.
Expression vs Presence: Emotions Do Not Need to “Go” Anywhere
An emotion does not always require outward expression or removal. Sometimes the skill is letting it be, acknowledging it, and continuing with what matters.
Context-Dependent Vulnerability for Men
They discuss how vulnerability is often coded as weakness for boys and men. This shapes suppression of sadness, shame, and disappointment while anger is more permitted.
Socialization of Gendered Emotion Norms
Both describe childhood learning that constrained who could express what emotions. They argue these patterns are learned, culturally reinforced, and modifiable with training.
Boys’ Emotion Skills Can Improve With Systemic School Culture
Brackett describes schools that teach emotion skills where boys view crying and talking about feelings as normal. Skill-building and shared norms reduce ridicule and avoidance.
Rigorous Practice, Not “Kumbaya” Circles
Their school approach uses structured scenarios, roleplay, and problem solving. Students practice naming feelings, generating options, and handling escalation when solutions fail.
Rough-and-Tumble vs Power-Over Dynamics
Physical and verbal banter can be healthy. It becomes harmful when it turns into dominance without concern for others’ emotional lives.
Early Signs of Suppression in Children
Brackett notes even young kids may treat emotions as a nuisance and avoid asking for help. Early suppression can undermine learning, friendships, and later resilience.
Calibration and Reliability in Relationships and Work
They explore how frequent emotional overwhelm can raise doubts about someone’s capacity to handle major stressors. The key question becomes whether a person can stay available and effective.
Vulnerability Plus Strategy as Healthy Leadership
Brackett distinguishes helpful openness from “spewing” distress. Leaders model regulation by naming difficulty and pairing it with concrete coping actions.
Co-Regulation as a Key Leadership Skill
Research described suggests leaders who self-regulate and support others predict better culture, less burnout, and higher job satisfaction. People want leaders who can steady themselves and the group.
The “Meta Moment” Tool
Their core tactic is pausing between stimulus and response, taking a breath, and choosing the best-self response aligned with values and role. This creates deliberate responses instead of habitual reactions.
Stress Tolerance Through Meditation and Stillness
Meditation is recommended as necessary but insufficient. It builds the ability to stay still under discomfort so better strategies can be accessed during activation.
Emotion Vocabulary as a Practical Skill
They argue many people lack precise labels beyond “fine” or “upset.” Differentiating fear, stress, pressure, and anxiety improves communication and strategy choice.
Core Appraisals Behind Similar Feelings
Anxiety is tied to uncertainty, stress to demands exceeding resources, pressure to stakes contingent on performance, and fear to immediate danger. Identifying the appraisal guides what to regulate.
External vs Internal Processing Differences
They discuss how some people process by talking while others prefer internal reflection. Couples benefit from recognizing and negotiating these differences rather than pathologizing them.
Personal Assumptions and Developmental Programming
Huberman and Brackett highlight how early experiences shape emotional interpretations, like what anger “means.” Awareness of one’s programming can reduce overreactions and broaden options.
Reappraisal With Caution About Gaslighting
Cognitive reframing can be lifesaving when used scientifically and honestly. It can become harmful when used to distort reality in abusive dynamics or self-deception.
Positive Emotions Also Need Regulation
Excitement and comfort can lead to oversharing, bad jokes, or impulsive mistakes. High activation is risky even when the feeling is positive.
Channel Emotions, Do Not Dam Them
They share examples of giving emotions a brief outlet, like letting a child share excitement, then returning to expectations. This validates feelings without abandoning goals.
Modern Stressors for Youth Feel Different
Brackett notes adolescents report stress about climate, politics, wars, and AI disrupting careers. The solution is not avoidance but teaching skills to manage these realities.
Concerns About AI as Therapist or Companion
They worry about adolescents using AI for emotional support in place of human connection. Brackett argues that core needs for care and presence require real relationships.
Disconnection as a Growing Developmental Risk
They describe a trajectory from video games to social media to AI pulling people away from intimacy. Rising anxiety and depression are linked to reduced connection and inadequate coping skills.
Feeling Overwhelmed Is Not a Free Pass to Stop Living
Brackett criticizes institutional messages that encourage taking time off whenever overwhelmed. He argues resilience comes from learning to live with difficult feelings while still functioning.
Effectiveness as the Key Test of Emotional Expression
When outrage or yelling makes others shut down, it fails the goal test. They return repeatedly to the question of whether a response helps achieve change or damages outcomes.
Systemic Implementation and Shared Language in Schools
Brackett argues emotional skills training must include leaders, teachers, students, and parents. A common vocabulary and approach makes the work durable and culturally reinforced.
There Is No Single Best Strategy
They reject one-size-fits-all answers and stress emotion-by-person-by-context tailoring. People must experiment, reflect, and choose what improves relationships and goal attainment.
Exercise as an Emotion-Regulation Strategy With Risks
Brackett describes using fitness to manage stress and build identity, but warns strategies can become avoidance in some people. Regulation requires checking whether a tactic is helping or harming.
Identity: Becoming Someone Who Is Well-Regulated
They compare fitness identity to emotional regulation identity. Seeing oneself as capable of regulation changes behavior choices and reduces reliance on willpower in the moment.
Phases of Skill Building Over a Lifetime
They describe starting with small steps, noticing benefits, confronting self-sabotage, and eventually building identity-based habits. Emotion regulation is framed as ongoing life work.
Curiosity and Story as Antidotes to Polarization
Brackett describes research showing judgments soften after hearing people’s stories. They argue that curiosity and civility support regulation even without agreement.
Emotional Intelligence Skills Framework (RULER)
They outline perception and understanding of emotions, precise labeling, context-appropriate expression, and regulation toward goals. The aim is measurable skills that predict well-being and performance.
Closing Down to Love as a Vulnerability Pattern
Huberman describes feeling love open and then shut down, distinct from how he feels with a pet. Brackett suggests staying with the feeling over time and exploring what blocks vulnerability.